Dear Wendy Wildcat,
What is the point of Valentine’s Day? I really like the thought of having a Valentine but don’t know how to begin, please help!
Sincerely,
Lovable Lori
Dear Lori,
Valentine’s Day is the stupidest holiday ever to exist… POINT BLANK, PERIOD. Think about this, single lonely teenagers asking out other single lonely teenagers. It’s not a good idea. Instead of love, there’s only pain. Some grown man in a diaper, a.k.a. ”Cupid,” shoots everyone right through their heart, deliberately breaking it, and we celebrate that?! HELLO, PEOPLE–WAKE UP.
Back in my senior year of ‘87 some stupid, deluded sophomore asked me out on Valentine’s Day and then ugly cried when I rejected him very nicely. All I did (at least according to the principal’s write-up) was slam his box of chocolates on the ground and spit on them. I was freeing him from the Hallmark/Hersheys Industrial Complex. I don’t know why he cried so much, because I saved his life! It is a CRIME to get the chocolates from Dollar Tree that don’t have caramel in them.
Long story short, be smart and boycott Valentine’s Day. Everyone overreacts, it’s not a good holiday and you should not participate!
Sincerely,
Wendy Wildcat
Dear Wendy,
Have you ever asked anyone out for Valentine’s Day? If so, do you have any tips?
Sincerely,
Rizzing Ryan
Dear Ryan,
Do not ask out ANYONE!! I certainly never have, and we all know how it went when someone tried to ask me out. High school relationships are almost as stupid as the classes you have to take. I’ve been single pretty much my whole life and don’t regret it one bit. Everyone wants to be with me, but I don’t let them! I’m just way too successful for everyone else, and you can be too. You’re slaying while they’re laying!
Instead of asking someone out, go buy those heart candies at Dollar Tree (WITH caramel, obvs) and devour a few boxes. They are the only good thing about this cursed holiday anyway.
Sincerely,
Wendy Wildcat
