Wendy Wildcat in Wonderland

What advice does Wendy have for Alice and her friends?

Wendy Wildcat, Staff Writer • October 17, 2025

Wendy thinks this tea party is ridiculous.

Dear Wendy Wildcat,

I am always late for everything and rushing around like a mad rabbit. Not only that, but the Queen of Hearts is always threatening to chop off my head! What can I do?!

Sincerely,

The White Rabbit

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Dear White Rabbit,

First of all, this queen sounds delightful. I bet we’d be best friends, and we’d totally gossip together about how you need to be faster. Get good, man. Also why are your ears so big? Mine are way better.

Ew,

Wendy Wildcat

Dear Wendy Wildcat,

I am determined that Alice shall not be crowned a queen. How can I ensure she doesn’t reach the eight row?

Yours Truly,

Queen of Hearts

Dear Queen of Hearts,

Heyyyy, future bestie. We should hang out. I hear you’re in to chopping off people’s (or rabbit’s) heads? Are you accepting applications for an executioner? I’d make sure that Alice wouldn’t even reach the second row.

Hopefully,

Wendy Wildcat

Dear Wendy Wildcat,

I’m lost and I need to find my way across the chessboard! Can you tell me the proper road to take?

Love,

Alice

Dear Alice,

Use your phone, idiot. Work smarter, not harder. Grow up, and stop a seven year-old.

You’re a dummy,

Wendy Wildcat

Dear Wendy Wildcat,

My beloved wife is rather… “abusive” but I love her so dearly.

How can I make her love me like I love her?

Sincerely,

King of Hearts.

Dear King of Hearts,

First of all, how dare you! Your wife is perfect exactly the way she is. If she doesn’t love you, sounds like a “you” problem. You should bond over shared interests, like hiring me as your new executioner.

Best Regards,

Wendy Wildcat

Dear Wendy Wildcat,

I keep falling asleep and throughout the day I’m always rather tired. Can you help me?

Loooooveeee,

Dormouse < 3

Dear Dormouse,

Know what keeps mice awake? Mousetraps. Like being trapped in them, forever. Mice are gross.

Cheerfully,

Wendy Wildcat

Dear Wendy Wildcat,

What kinds of tea do you enjoy? I rather like earl gray, but jasmine is always delicious too! Oh I can’t decide…….. What was this letter for again? I forget, have a lovely day my dear!

Much ado,

The Mad Hatter

Dear Mad Hatter,

It doesn’t even matter what flavor of tea you choose, because the mandatory four cups of sugar that you have to add to make it taste good is the important part.

So glad I’m always rite,

Wendy Wildcat

About the Contributor

Wendy Wildcat, Staff Writer

Wendy Wildcat is a 52 year old Harrison Graduate (class of ‘87). She peaked in high school, and when she realized how awful being an adult was, she snuck back into Harrison High and now lives full time in the boiler room. She answers student questions with her trademark blend of snark and wisdom, helping current Wildcats navigate the chaos of adolescence with humor and honesty. Like her favorite animal (the wildcat), her preferred food is mouse, but she’ll eat pretty much any small animal. When she can’t get that, she digs through the trash to find the leftover General Tso’s chicken from lunch time.

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