Dear Wendy,
I’ve been having some trouble lately. I just don’t think I’m that funny anymore! I’m in desperate need of help and I have nobody else to go to. The opening monologue is 20 minutes away!!! I don’t expect you to write it for me, but I need your opinion. Is it too hypocritical of me to write it with AI? I put a prompt into ChatGPT about Timothee Chalamet, and I’ve gotten some truly genius responses. How could he have forgotten to attack jazz?! Chat also gave me a great idea for a drumroll bit involving Chalamet’s— well, you’ll hear about it tonight. No spoilers! Any input you have on my desperate situation and how to fix it would be welcome!
OMG, OMG, IM SO COOKED,
Conan O’Brien
P.S. Chat may have written that last part, I’ve got a show in 10!
Dear Conan,
Sorry to be responding so late to your reply! I heard your distress call and knew I needed to take action. I got some special makeup and one of my BFFs’ wigs (Amy’s ofc) to save you from the fate of not preparing a cold open. That’s right, I HAVE FRIENDS EVERYWHERE. I meant for it to be a lot quicker, but those scary children wouldn’t stop chasing me! At least you rolled with it pretty well. There’s nothing like taking credit for someone else’s work, right? Hopefully it bought you enough time to come up with something more original. Though, judging by your performance so far, I’m guessing that never happened. If you’re really that desperate these days, I’ll call in the big guns— IS THERE A JIMMY KIMMEL HERE?!
Okay, but seriously, AI? Are you really willing to go that low? It’s a slippery slope from “well intentioned comedian” to “the guy who started the robot uprising”! One thing I guess we can agree on is that you’re no longer funny my red-haired, empty-headed friend. Except for that drumroll joke, it was hysterical! Send me the name of your Chat sometime, I’ll get the premium version and charge it to my tab. You should get some freshies to write your material, they usually come through if you give them food.
Sincerely,
Your new stunt double
P.S. When do I get my paycheck? I don’t do free favors for people who use AI to cheat on their work (but I do applaud your decision to turn to me). I accept crypto and opera tickets— your choice.
Wendy,
I hate that I’m even saying this— can you believe my new Avatar movie wasn’t nominated for Best Picture? I mean come on; it’s Avatar! I’ve put far too much time (and money!) into this five-film endeavor, and they can’t just cut me some slack? Audiences these days just don’t have adult attention spans. With their TikTok’s and their pop-filled musicals dominating my box office. I’m not sure what will grab these guys’ attention anymore, man! Do you have any ideas? I’m honestly willing to do anything— okay, maybe not anything.
Warmest Regards,
James Cameron
Dear Grandpa,
First off, I see why your live action animated movie wasn’t nominated for Best Picture— names! Names. It’s Wendy Wildcat to you, sir, with a nice little “dear” attached at the front. Also, let’s be honest here, you’re just old. Like, really old. Blaming TikTok or over-produced musicals won’t distract from the fact that your ideas are ancient. While I thought it was cool when your blue people started fighting colonizers 17 years ago, remaking the same movie over and over again, until the-year-of-our-lord 2031, just won’t matter at the end of the day.
Unrelated (but totally related), can we talk about the fact that you made your name off of a generally terrible “movie”? Remember your masterpiece, Piranha II: The Spawning? Yeah, man, you’re a real treat when you have a budget… or a soul. You know what had soul? Terminator! Or Aliens! Wait, wait, wait. How many of your movies have taken place in space? Or just large dark spaces where you can’t really tell what’s happening on screen? You know what, never mind that. I think you desperately need a reality check— something that I specialize in. To be blunt, your career is sinking, just like that ship you love so dearly.
Sincerely,
Someone who isn’t as old as you
PS. As an early adopter of the Papyrus font, that is the ONE THING you did right in this whole farce of a franchise.
Dearest, Darlingest, Wonderfullest Wendy,
Something is very wrong: I didn’t get my way! Everyone has been saying for the past five months that Wicked: For Good would be my Oscar win, but the Academy has just lost its integrity. There’s no way I can attend now! I just need someone to vent to. Also, I need to lay down, I need to lay down…
Sincerely,
The real winner for Best Actress in a Lead Role
P.S. It’s Ariana Grande btw!
Dear Little Ms. Airy Grand,
First of all, can we talk about how ridiculous that name change was? “For Good” is just a bit on the nose, don’t you think? What was wrong with “Part Two”?! Second, you talk any more about integrity and you’ll sound a little too much like that one little rich kid (not naming names) who dissed on Lupita Nyong’o for The Odyssey (which is totally getting best picture next year btw).
Finally, and this may come as a shock to you, but the world doesn’t revolve around you! You were excellent in both Wicked films, but just because you didn’t get nominated doesn’t mean the other nominees didn’t deserve their recognitions! You actually mean to tell me that you want Jessie Buckley to just give her award to you so you can feel good? These are Oscars, not soccer awards! Do you know how low you have to go to get to that point?! You might be the most disgustifying person— oh, wait. Are you just getting into character for that third movie that TOTALLY is happening? My bad gurl, I gotchu!
Wickedly,
Wendy Wildcat
Dear Wendy,
As you can imagine, I’ve had a tough week. After all that I’ve given to these studios (before turning 30, mind you), I still haven’t gotten an Oscar? No, not just an Oscar, THE Oscar? I mean, this is the second time that they’ve completely neglected one of my prized performances. Do you know how hard I trained for this movie? Years, Wendy, years! Ping pong isn’t as easy or as simple as these studio big-heads think it is! Not to mention my HUGE role in these Dune movies, which nerds can’t get enough of.
I don’t know, I might re-think my place in Hollywood. Although, I do hear that Dune: Part Three just dropped its trailer. I trust your judgement.
From,
Timothee Chalamet
Dear Timmy,
I used to love you, dude. Like, a ton. A ton doesn’t even begin to cover it, really. But clearly you’ve fallen off HARD. I loved you in all those super artsy movies, you know, especially that Little Women remake— only better than the original because your face is in it. There you go, you’ve been recognized, something the Academy clearly hasn’t done. I do feel bad for you trying so hard— sorry, my hand slipped. Hard? Ping pong, Timmy. You spent years on ping pong. This is right after your “truly magical” performance as Willy Wonka–you’re totally the fourth best! If it weren’t for Gene Wilder, Johnny Depp, or that guy that voiced him in a Tom & Jerry movie, it would be all you. Yeah, man, working reeaall hard here.
In all seriousness, your big Marty Supreme movie wasn’t all that. It was clever, funny, all the usual junk. But can we talk about your Oscar campaign? You climbed the Las Vegas Sphere (seriously?), sold overpriced merch (which I bought!), and talked at length about this so-called masterpiece. Just drop out, dude. Go walk the red carpet for your confusing Star Wars knock-off and maybe take a break. I— we would appreciate it.
Lovingly,
Wendy (a Wildcat)
P.S. I got tickets to an opera show. Scored it off of same loser named Conan. Would you like to join me? Stay in touch. XOXO.
