Despite winter break, snow days, and a freezing cold school, Wendy Wildcat has not stopped worrying about other people’s pets, and whether or not they are more popular than she is.
At the end of winter break, Wendy, having fought off the dangerous, bitter winter with her best friend, the boiler (on high–is this why the school’s been so cold?), was happily watching the days tick by on her Lily Pullitzer calender. “This is the best time of the year!” Wendy said in her trademark shrill voice.
Suddenly, a beam of light descended, as if from the heavens, a blazing torch beating back the overwhelming dark. The divine light gave way to a thin rectangle, as a spindly hand slipped a divine order into Wendy’s domain.
A crisp white envelope floated to the ground, engulfed by a halo of light. Its radiance was engulfed by darkness as a loud bang echoed through the room.
The cat was very upset about having to leave her bed, mumbling as she stabbed the envelope with gleaming claws, prying from its confines her credit card bill.
Looking past the long, never-ending list of purchases, Wendy’s gaze fell to the “AMOUNT DUE:” highlighted in bright, neon yellow.
“One million dollars- mreow!!!!!!!” Wendy roared, tossing her Christmas tree (and secretary) out the window, Wendy banished Christmas and torched any and all of her Christmas cards. Completely swearing off the blasphemous holiday for the rest of time, she raced to her office and sounded the alarm to all her staff.
Wendy and her staff worked tirelessly (baked cookies to appease Wendy) during break to capture these criminals. And while Wendy visited her extremely annoying uncle Fred, her staff eagerly collected data and pursued her gallery of rogues in accordance with Wendy’s decree.
Continuing our tradition from the past four issues, Wendy Wildcat and the FBI have partnered to create this issue’s set of wanted posters. In the wake of the holidays, Wendy has called for total scorched earth upon these criminals and has proudly stamped each poster with her print of approval.
And since we HAVE NOT CAUGHT A SINGLE ONE OF OUR SUSPECTS, we are once again re-running a list of high-priority suspects with information from our ultra-reliable sources. These posters have been updated with new, up-to-date photos and information. If you recognize or have any information regarding these offenders immediately inform Wendy.
For all of our safety (and to escape Wendy’s wrath) in this uneasy, cold season- If you recognize any of these offenders please alert Wendy, the FBI, or your local veterinarian as soon as possible.
