For the past two issues Wendy Wildcat has partnered with the FBI to create high-tech ultra-accurate wanted posters of the attention thieves that terrorize Harrison and steal your attention from our wonderful Wendy Wildcat.
Wendy herself is quite proud of these posters. She has triumphantly stamped each and every one. And her dutiful followers have spread them far and wide…. As of this issue we have a total of fourteen active warrants… out of fourteen total.
WHICH MEANS WE’VE CAUGHT NOT A SINGLE ONE! ABSOLUTELY NONE! NONE!
IT GETS WORSE!
Scrolling through Facebook, Wendy’s jaw dropped in utter terror, her eyes being assaulted with the image of a foul-smiled and undoubtedly horrific juvenile canine dressed in a banana costume. A banana costume!
Wendy is positively shaking in her (very expensive) swivel chair and YOU ARE TO BLAME! Our paragon of patience and virtue has been inundated with the knowledge that animals other than herself can accessorize, through these terrifying pictures of animals in items other than a collar or (atrociously) ugly sweater. They can’t even button their collars straight! How could they ever hope to match up to the great Wendy Wildcat and be called adorable by their middle-aged owners!
If not for her recently done acrylic claws, Wendy would (elegantly) swipe down each and every last one of them. She instead opted for total annihilation of her employee’s offices.
Wendy’s staff have been left without a workspace following Wendy’s latest outburst. Their chairs were shredded by sharp claws, and ceiling were tiles knocked astray. After taking some time to calm down through her provided rage-room, Wendy gathered her subjects and called upon them to create a new list of suspects.
With absolutely no captured suspects, Wendy has deemed it necessary to reissue three wanted posters of our worst offenders updated with new information.
For all of our safety (and to escape Wendy’s wrath) in this uneasy, cold season- If you recognize any of these offenders, please alert Wendy, the FBI, or your local veterinarian as soon as possible.
